God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
