the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You can't special order awesome
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
