Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
