my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she peed on how many people?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
