Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
