I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I won the penis lottery.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize