dude i'm inner monologue high
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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