nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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