Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
