What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
