she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish I could teleport
please come you make the beer taste better
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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