So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
