Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
