Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
