Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
