i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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