I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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