I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
