I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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