he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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