someone owes me an orgasm
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
