My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
