I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
