He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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