Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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