After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
