So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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