you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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