I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
