You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize