I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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