you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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