So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
