WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
