i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
