First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize