I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
