Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
