Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
