FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
