i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
