Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
