I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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