overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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