The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
