He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i love accidental penises.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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