I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize