How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
