I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
