we have pet lesbian snakes
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
