Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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