i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
