How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
As shirtless as possible
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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