Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
