FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Liz is crying about burritos again.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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