Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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