She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
