So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
